blind to your emotion
by lil-aber-lisa
Summary: mckay has been shipped to russia and returns after 3 years, to discover his one night stand is engaged and again is being shipped off this time to atlantis, he begins to fall for a dr, but will things go smoothly or someone come back for seconds!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 

Rodney reminisced about the past, it had been a while since he was present at the SGC, and the thought of the wondrous Samantha Carter radiated through his body.

- Flashback-

_"Ya' know McKay with all your moaning, and your sarcastic arrogance, it's quite a turn on!"  
Rodney stared at Sam in disbelief. "Excuse me?"  
"Come on McKay, ya' know what I'm saying, the comments, the glances, you want me ... badly!"  
"Carter... you're talking... yes alright so I find you attractive and damn hot when you hurl abuse at me, so what?"  
"Well you know where my quarters are, join me."  
Sam turned on her heels in the other direction, Rodney stood in silence at the proposition, he gulped and slowly made his way to Sam's quarters. He closed and locked the door behind him.  
They knew it was a one off - how could they call this a relationship? Rodney McKay was being shipped off to Russia for his attitude and behaviour towards Samantha yet here he was undressing her like a doll. She lay on the bed and Rodney continued to caress her body. _

- End of flashback- 

Rodney could hear a coughing from the front of the van.  
"Dr. McKay!" a stern voice echoed.  
"Yes, Mr. Davies, sorry, what did you say?"  
"We're approaching Cheyenne Mountain."   
Three years! 3 years he had been away from the place yet he still couldn't think about anything else but her. Had she moved on, had she not wanted anyone else and how could he explain his orientation had diversified? He rethought his words "_Orientation has diversified"  
_"I'm screwed," he whispered.  
The entrance ebbed closer; his mind had completely shut down and he found himself aimlessly walking the corridor to the General's office, now occupied by General O'Neill.  
"Great, I can't piss him off anymore," Rodney chuckled until his next thought Lt. General Samantha Carter. "_My god I'm utterly screwed._"  
He stood by Jack's door, while the General was still on the phone and was summoned in moments later. "Well look whose back, how are the Russians these days?"  
"Behaving." Rodney couldn't think of a wittier reply.

"You do know about the Antarctica mission I presume?"  
"Yes I do"   
"I want you to go out there and help. Seeing as Carter can't go you're the next best thing."  
Rodney questioned, "And may I ask why Carter can't go?"  
"She's engaged."   
Rodney forced his face to stay emotionless. "Good for her, be glad to take the mission. When do I leave?"  
"Right away. Grab some food first, then report to Elizabeth Weir when you arrive; she'll be expecting you."

Rodney was unsure whether to salute or not so he just nodded and walked out. On the way to the mess he caught a glimpse of Samantha working at her desk. He continued forward and then halted. He thought things through and decided to go back and talk to her.  
"Hello Sam."  
Sam glanced up and froze. "...McKay? I didn't know you were back." She managed eventually.  
"Quick pit stop before Antarctica, gotta help them due to you being otherwise _engaged_!"  
Sam searched Rodney's body and then met his eyes; they glared back blankly.  
"Rodney I can explain... Pete and I are, well we're engaged. Rodney I didn't forget you, what Pete and I have is different to us."  
" In that he is around and I'm not!"  
"Rodney that's not fair. It was one night, you moved on as well; what was HIS name again?"  
"That's irrelevant. A few dates, a few kisses here and there, no thought of engagement."  
"McKay..."  
"Come on Sam, why change to McKay? You were going so well. Doesn't matter now. Hopefully things will go well for you, and I hope I don't hear from you; a pain I wouldn't like to endure. Excuse me I need coffee about now."  
"Very well. Goodbye Dr. McKay." Sam spoke sternly trying to stop her whole body from shaking  
"Carter!"   
Frustrated Rodney stepped out and round the corridor. He then slouched against the wall and sighed heavily; he knew it was for the best, he had to move on, and apparently Antarctica was the place to be.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

24 hours had passed since he had seen Carter and McKay awoke in the helicopter. He remembered wandering around the SGC before deciding he needed some sleep prior to coming to Antarctica, and O'Neill had agreed.  
He grabbed his things as the helicopter landed. He ran quickly from the propellers that were still spinning violently. The helicopter lifted off as McKay entered the base at Antarctica; he stood and stared in awe, the people, the noise, and the new gadgets he now had the chance to play with. He heard someone protesting feverishly, "No I don't wanna!"   
"Please, Doctor you have to try it out, you have the gene."   
"Aye man, I may have the gene, don't mean I know how to bloody use this thing."  
Rodney smiled and stepped forward to see a terrified man sitting in the chair  
"Hi, Rodney McKay, Dr. McKay, What Ya' so worried about? You can't make anything explode."  
The doctors face paled and the chair jerked backwards and he managed to stutter, "God, uhhh B...Beckett, Dr Carson Beckett I think I may have sent some explosions this way!"   
A siren began to ring; Rodney shuddered to the feeling of the siren beating through his body. Elizabeth came running from her temporary office.  
"Sgt, what's the problem?"  
"Dr Beckett somehow sent 3 missiles out."  
"And the target?"   
Carson whimpered, "Here!"  
Rodney glanced over. "Okay I spoke to soon, you are gonna make explosions; your going to kill us and you call yourself a doctor!" he ranted  
Weir stared at him "And you are?"  
"Dr. Rodney McKay, Astrophysics."  
The first missile hit; the base shook violently and shattered glass fell from the ceiling but luckily no real damage.  
"Uhhh Elizabeth, I wanna get out. I hadda enough, gene or no gene"  
"Carson just relax." Elizabeth said.  
As Carson tried to calm himself down it became apparent it was having the opposite effect. Rodney moved closer to Carson and whispered something in his ear, the chair became upright again and the last two missiles exploded before impact. Rodney held a hand out and Carson took it.  
"You alright?"  
"Aye, I am now, thanks to you." Carson blushed slightly and made his excuses, "Best be getting back to the infirmary. Elizabeth, Rodney." and he departed  
Weir glanced at McKay and asked, "What did you tell him?"  
"I'm sorry I can't divulge my secret powers!"  
Weir smiled and continued, " I see we have a genius on our hands then, I had been warned by General O'Neill. I'll get Zelenka, Johnson and Kavanagh to meet you; they are part of your team. I'm sure one of them will show you your office.  
"Thank-you. What do we know so far about Atlantis?"  
"All in good time. One thing is possible, we may be going there sooner than we think; Zelenka will brief you."   
"Zalenki...Zacheckla...what is his name again?"   
"Ze-len-kar!"  
"Zelenka, right."  
Rodney had been there three hours and had jumped straight into work, and had already mispronounced Zelenka's name on no fewer than five occasions.   
"My god, how bad iz za name Zelenka? Ze-len-kar!"   
"Seriously, if you know I'm calling you then why does it matter if I call you Zar or Zarla?"  
Zelenka huffed and continued with his calculations. Hours passed again and Rodney needed to find his quarters - he still felt tired and slightly jetlagged from Russia. When he eventually entered the room he heard the shower being switched off. Carson Beckett walked back in, with a towel covering his waist down and another to ruffle his short hair and catch any runaway droplets of water. Rodney's face felt like he was on fire; he was staring profusely at the doctor's body unable to glance away. The shape of his back, a slight scar down one arm, the water that stuck to the doctor's shoulders. The fire was moving down his body and to the front of his trousers.  
"I... I... I'm sorry didn't realise."  
"Nah, it's okay, my fault. I shouldda remembered you were her;, been a long day."  
Rodney nodded with agreement. Carson grabbed his clothes and got changed in the bathroom. Rodney set about placing things around his bed.  
"That's Samantha Carter isn't it?" Carson asked as he entered the bedroom.  
Rodney glanced to see a photo had fallen from one of his books, he used it as a bookmark to remind him of her, and he managed a nod before grabbing at the photo and shoving it in the closest drawer.  
He did have one of Davey and he placed that on the bedside. They were an item a lifetime ago, but it never went anywhere. Davey knew Rodney was hung up on Sam and they had remained friends.  
Carson glanced at the photo and saw them hugging each other round the waist, while their free hands were entwined. Carson thought best not to comment but he felt strange that there was someone else who liked men and wasn't a woman.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The night passed and when Rodney woke Dr. Beckett had gone, and he realised he was late for a briefing. He dashed and managed to make his excuses, Zelenka explained how much info they had about going to Atlantis and that it was only a one way trip.  
Rodney's brain began to wander back to the moment he saw Sam and then flickered to Beckett in a towel, how the water dripped down the doctor's back, and his cheeks began to redden. His body became heated again and a tingling feeling grew in a place that had missed the attention.  
"McKay? McKay?" Weir grew impatient. John Sheppard had a go. "McKay?" He said even louder but still nothing.  
Beckett nudged McKay, which seem to bring him back and, at the knowledge that his manhood had decided to make an appearance, he lent forward, hiding the erection. His response was;  
"The wiring is wrong!"  
The whole team glanced back and stared. "Excuse me? McKay what iz you trying to imply, zat I cannot wire a piece of machinery correctly?" Zelenka enquired impatiently.  
"We are still missing one ZedPM to create enough energy to dial Atlantis. However, I noticed yesterday when Dr. Beckett tried the chair he set off missiles, which is possibly due to the alignment of the crystals being incorrect, a failsafe to anyone who attempted to use the chair. And yes I know you have to think and the chair will respond but I highly doubt me saying the word 'explosions' caused the doctor to send missiles our way." He glanced at Beckett and said, "Tell me you didn't think about missiles?"  
"I...aye, only for a second, but I thought about other things." Beckett didn't explain that he was thinking about Rodney from the second he spoke.  
Rodney just nodded. "I need to do some calculations I think if I change this crystal, for the one in that section...." Rodney continued like this for twenty minutes before realising that everyone had either left to continue their jobs, or just staring in bewilderment, trying to compute what he was muttering.  
"I'm sorry, I'll do this somewhere else. Dr. Weir I'll get back to you."

After 2 hours analysing his data and new calculations Rodney had began to move particular crystals into their new configuration. Carson Beckett was summoned again to test the chair; Rodney preferred it to be Carson rather than Sheppard, as this gave him the opportunity to watch Beckett without betraying feelings that he would rather keep to himself. An extra power source was brought in to boost power. Carson sheepishly sat in the chair but nothing happened. He then glanced at Rodney and closed his eyes, the chair then arched backwards and the stargate lit up. Rodney was beginning to get excited; chevrons lit up blue and the stargate was being activated. The wormhole blasted and settled, and you could see the fluctuations in the event horizon. They eagerly sent a malp through to discover a darkened hall; readings showed it was viable for life.

Some people chose to stay in Antarctica; others chose to move through, knowing this was a one-way trip. Rodney took a deep breath and stepped through the gate. He felt nothing as he passed through the wormhole; the darkness of the room hurt his eyes. Lights began appearing when soldiers went up the steps leading to what looked like a control room.  
The windows ... Rodney glanced twice as he saw... fish or fish like creatures.

"Dr Weir, we're submerged in water, the whole city is underwater!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Weir smiled at Rodney as the rest of the crew came through the wormhole, which then disappeared like a morning's mist.

It took a few hours to establish everything was safe and to find adequate living quarters. Rodney was moving his photo of Davey and one of Jeannie around his room several times, never satisfied with the finished location until his attention was caught when a knock came from his door.

"Come."

"Dr. McKay if you have a moment?"

"Dr. Beckett what can I do for you?"

"Ahhh, I never properly thanked you for the incident back in Antarctica."

Rodney's cheeks began to burn as his memories lingered back to that day with Beckett sitting nervously in the command chair. Rodney quickly replied "Oh yes that, no problem."

"There was one other thing, you spoke to me and I don't have a clue what you said, but…"

Carson also began to blush; just the thought of Rodney's breath against his ear and the foreign accent that flowed from Rodney's lips enthralled Carson's body. Carson continued, "It somehow relaxed me like I was under a spell…"

"Don't be so ridiculous, why on Earth would I put you under a spell? It was Russian and the translation is…"

Rodney sighed realising his words and the translation he straightened his body and preceded;

"If need to cry, my shoulder is here,

If you need warmth, my arms are here,

If you need hope, I bare my soul for you.

Random crap as you can see. If you excuse me, Dr. Beckett, I need to get to the labs!"

"Aye. Sorry for annoying you. Good day."

Carson's head bowed as he left the room; Rodney watched him leave and sat on the edge of the bed, the words running through his mind. He'd meant them, or he thought he'd meant them, but how after taking one glance of a man could he fall so helplessly? He ran his hands through his short receding hair then he bolted from the bed, grabbing his new computer as he passed, and went to work. That moment was never spoken about again.

XXX

A year and a half had passed and the team had grown in strength with Teyla Emmagan, an Athosian, and Ronon Dex who was saved from the wraith; he'd been their toy, known as a 'runner', but they had formed close friendships and felt, as a family should. The team had faced a few problems, with John Sheppard awakening the Wraith, losing Sumner, the rising of Atlantis and too many others to recall. The most recent played over in McKay's mind as he lay in the infirmary. He could hear the faint sighs of Dr. Carson Beckett, who was paying more attention to this patient than most, as he waited for Rodney to wake. Carson read over the mission report.

McKay and himself had been escorted around a planet when a Wraith dart had appeared. Having been pushed out of the range of the dart, Beckett had to watch Rodney and Cadman, a marine, be taken by the Wraith. The ship had then crashed and they'd got McKay out hoping he would find a way to get Cadman out. However, the conscience of Laura Cadman was residing in McKay's body, which had caused McKay's behaviour to change. Rodney had asked a Botanist on a date and begged Carson to join him! Carson remembered Rodney's hand brush his own, the proximity between himself and McKay was intense, his heart racing and the heat causing him a slight euphoria. Rodney coughed, which brought Carson's attention back to the present. He watched eagerly, as with a slight movement of the covers Rodney drifted back to sleep. The date played over in Carson's head again; the uncomfortable moments watching Rodney McKay's arms around Katie Brown's waist, his lips touching hers. Carson's mind then wandered back to the Russian Rodney had whispered… "If you need warmth, my arms are here…"

Well Carson and the team managed to devise a way to separate them, but not before Laura Cadman decided on one last trick to play before she left. She marched Rodney's body up to Carson and kissed him.

Carson continued now to watch the slow breathing of Rodney. He couldn't help but think about the kiss; had it really been Cadman or was Rodney using that as an excuse?

"Oh, I need to stop doing this!" Carson whispered to himself. The Canadian began to warm to Dr. Beckett mission by mission, Rodney would rush to the infirmary with some hypochondriac illness, although hyperglycaemia was one illness he had and made sure everyone around him knew it. Though that had its uses. Carson had threatened him many a time with lemon tea if he kept up any disagreement.

XXX

Rodney was released later and spent no time staying in the infirmary. He shot to his room where he locked himself away from everyone in embarrassment and self-loathing. After that day Rodney found every reason to avoid Carson except for briefings, and even they were somewhat difficult for the scientist and he remained unusually quiet. The friendship seemed to revert back to what it was at the beginning of the mission to Atlantis. Very quickly others realised something was wrong.

"Anything you would like to add Dr. McKay?" Weir questioned at one briefing.

Rodney glanced up recognising his name and just shook his head "Dr. McKay do you have a problem? We can talk about it privately if you wish?"

"Thank you Elizabeth I am fine, if you excuse me."

Weir watched with a concerned look as Rodney pushed his chair back and walked out of the briefing room.

"Does anyone know what has caused this change of behaviour in Dr. McKay?" she asked the other people in the room.

Everyone looked around at each other and silence fell upon them. Beckett cleared his throat, "I believe I do Dr. Weir. He's still some what embarrassed around everyone, and me especially, due to Cadman's actions." Dr. Weir added.

"He realises we all know he couldn't control Marine Cadman, and no one holds anything against him?"

"Aye I know, but Rodney doesn't see it that way. He sees it as a sign of weakness and has knocked his pride somewhat."

Elizabeth Weir just nodded and made a note to chat to him at some point.

Outside the control room Rodney now slowly scuttled down the steps trying to avoid the glances of anyone. he stared at the stargate. Too many thoughts flooded his mind and he wished he could be back in Russia life was simpler there. He wouldn't be around Carson Beckett, would never had reencountered Samantha Carter. He sighed deeply and began to walk towards the cargo bay when the chevrons on the gate lit up one by one and a wormhole became apparent.

"Dr. Weir we have an unauthorised gate activation!" chuck beamed

Weir responded, "Who is it?"

"It's SG-1's IDC."

"Drop the shield, let them in."

Two figures stepped through, Daniel Jackson and Samantha Carter. Rodney had stopped and watched to see whom the visitors were and he now stared silently at the pair. His knees felt weak as Sam's smile took her usual effect on his mind. Carson had stepped from the meeting room onto the balcony; his eyes glazed over as his body emptied of any hope with Rodney McKay. Daniel watched as the Doctor lowered his sullen face and left for the infirmary

"Hello Dr McKay." Daniel chimed.

"Dr. Jackson, Carter! If you'll excuse me I have more important things to do!" Rodney replied before walking quickly away down a corridor.

Once Rodney left Daniel glanced at Sam as he sniggered.

"What? I think that went better than what I thought he would do when he saw you." Daniel said.

"Yes but a silent McKay is a bad McKay, it's a time bomb for disaster."

Daniel's eyebrow rose but before he could give a reply Dr. Weir appeared and ushered them into her office. Though their visit was merely scientific, they both wanted a few weeks away from SGA command and to explore Atlantis. They also wanted to update Weir on the impending problem of the Ori


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Zelenka began muttering Czech again as the fifth argument broke out that day between Rodney McKay and Samantha Carter. Daniel had the cunning plan of excusing himself to go tour the far end of the Atlantis complex, Radek Zelenka unfortunately had to continue his work amongst the din.

"Pleaze Dr. Carter, Rodney vill you pleaze stop, can't you go to ze other lab to continue your disagreement, but ve scientists here vud like to continue our verk in silence!"

Sam's cheeks blushed

"Dr. Zelenka I apologise, I meant no disrespect."

Rodney stood there and sighed heavily

"Radek, I'm…sss…orrr… you know what, why should I apologise for something I did not start!"

Radek's eyes rolled and glared at the pair, McKay grabbed a bunch of his notes and his laptop

"Carter! This way!"

Rodney left the lab to his quarters, Sam followed reluctantly.

"McKay what was that about, you acted like a spoilt child and you blew like I had blown up an entire solar system with a push of one big red button that screamed do not push!"

Rodney's head jerked violently up, his hand reached to squeeze his sore neck, but his eyes glared so intensely towards Sam, if he had laser vision she would have been lying on the floor in two halves.

"Don't you dare, I did not mean to blow up a 1/3 of a solar system and it wasn't with one button, if the damn ancients couldn't control the bloody thing, the almighty God McKay can't either! I didn't blow as you so politely put it, your Samantha Carter, Astrophysics extraordinaire, member of the intrepid Sg-1, your question was something a 12yr old would ask!"

Sam crossed her arms and tilted her head slightly

"A twelve year old! What twelve year old asks about the force of power from a crystal conduit relative to a ZPM cloaking device?"

"Well I was making nuclear missiles when I was in school. But fine be smug about it, God Sam why are you here? Why choose this bloody galaxy, I let you live in one of your own, Daniel I understand, Archaeologist and all but you? You could just read his reports and well we all know his reports you'd know everything and their place without even being here!"

Sam's face became a little more serious

"Rodney come on be civil, I wanted to … see … you, Pete and I, well we aren't together no more."

Rodney continued to watch Sam's eyes lose their colour as their argument simmered down

"I know I promised not to see you again but well Rodney you know we make a very strange but good team, and I thought maybe we could give it a go?"

Sam edged forward and placed her hand softly on Rodney's side, he sighed with the touch, he leant his body further into the touch and closer to her own body

"Sam… please we… I…"

Sam lent in and kissed the corner of his mouth, the softness of her lips, Rodney's body lost all sense of reason; he took her lips in his, the murmur of words being released from them both were incoherent, Sam stepped back to the bed, she unzipped her BDU and dropped it to the floor,

"I forgot what our arguments were like, and the effect it had on me."

Sam whispered. Rodney gulped hesitantly, his mind asking his heart was this what he really wanted, his response was the silence, except for the vibrant drum beats that effectively was his panting heartbeat eagerly bursting from his chest, his body moved forward and helped undress Samantha.

He lay her on the bed and kissed her lips once more moving down over the neck and her clavicle and down to began moving lower, Rodney wanted to continue but a stern voice was calling

"Dr. McKay to the briefing room ASAP… McKay? For God sake Rodney get to the briefing room now or Ronon is coming down there and shooting your ass up here!"

This was repeated twice before Rodney realised he was one Dr. Rodney McKay and they needed him, and if he wasn't there he wouldn't be able to sit down for months if Ronon shot him like the message said. Before he left he glanced back at Sam took a breath and honestly spoke

"Sam, I did honestly enjoy what that could have been, but we both know we lost out time and place for this and well this wouldn't be the best of ideas, think this shouldn't be mentioned again."

Rodney left, Sam sat curled in the bed covers and sighed, she grabbed her clothes and quickly dressed, she knew McKay was right, she didn't want to hurt him or herself again and that was what she was doing, wasn't right to use McKay as a rebound lover. She quickly left with no evidence that she had been there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

McKay sat in the briefing, like an empty vessel he caught random words, Wraith, retrovirus. Either way it wasn't enough to stop the images of semi-naked Carter imprint on her memory and replay each time changing to what suited McKay. From afar a single doctor watched how the vacant McKay said nothing, searching for approval Carson Beckett questioned him

"Your thoughts on the matter Dr. McKay?"

McKay looked around the room, Teyla, Ronon, Sheppard, Beckett, Weir, Zelenka and Colonel Caldwell looked on waiting a response

"My thoughts? Yes well the idea… yes good… I'm sorry but I need to take my leave"

McKay left hurrying to the nearest exit, he knew he couldn't go back to his room, it would smell of her, so he headed for food then to the lab and began to spend every working minute finishing studies and devising new experiments and formulas to keep himself away from… everyone!

Everyone began to worry about McKay and the amount of work he had taken on, if he wasn't going on off world missions he was locked away in his lab, he had already had two near misses of hypoglycaemic attacks, sleep deprivation and caffeine were the only factors pushing him on, Carson was becoming more agitated at his behaviour but knew McKay would take it personally if he consulted him. Finally he decided after McKay nearly collapsed on a neighbouring planet, it had gone on to long, McKay had forgotten to lock his lab this one night and Carson took this opportunity to chat with him.

"Rodney?"

Carson spoke softly, Rodney had fallen asleep against the desk, Carson hovered his hand over the mans shoulder, deciding if this was wise

"No, I don't I wont let you! Lemme go, please!"

Carson shuddered when he heard McKay's voice he was talking in his sleep. Again Carson hand lingered in the air again ready to wake him, but again Rodney spoke

"Leave him alone, no not Beckett, take me!"

Carson didn't move but continued to listen contemplating that he really should wake him

"No! He doesn't know, I can please don't hurt him anymore!"

Carson had enough and lowered his hand and gripped lightly

"Rodney?"

Carson rocked him slightly, Rodney's eyes grew wide

"Oh God no! Carson!"

"Aye lad, I'm 'ere, calm yourself you fell asleep at your computer, when was the last time you slept?"

"Err, Tuesday or was it Friday it's umm well err this equation its really important and well I must get it done or , or well its just really important"

"So is your health, sleep … in a bed get Dr. Carter to check it in the morning I'm sure she will be willing to help."

"Sam? You want me to let Sam look at this? Hello I'm the genius here, I don't need help best of all from Samantha fricking Carter!"

"Whoa Rodney it was a suggestion, I didn'ta mean you couldn't…"

Carson's cheeks began to flush with embarrassment and well he didn't mean anything by it he hoped if someone lightened the load for McKay it would have helped.

"Uhhh I I Umm good night Rodney"

Carson tried to flee the situation quickly

"Carson, wait you don't have to go, you know me lack of coffee makes me grouchy, what am I saying im always grouchy I know we haven't spoken much since the whole Cadman thing and now Samantha is visiting and now im babbling."

"It's alright you don't have to explain yourself I'm glutton for punishment I keep coming back to ya for more."

Carson again flushed by his words

"I meant as a friend like."

Rodney watched his friend become increasingly uncomfortable

"I'm sorry for what Cadman did, are you two dating?"

Carson still slightly flushed coughed at the question

"She's not really my type Rodney she's errr… bit too female for me"

Rodney stared and his eyes widen as it clicked

"Your gay?"

"Aye."

"I've known you what 2 maybe 3 years and you didn't say anything even when we were in Antarctica"

"I didn'ta think I had to voice it to everyone, you ain't said your bisexual, but that's me guessing there"

"Yes well, your correct have you … you know dated anyone at Atlantis?

Carson just shook his head

"Although Dr. Jackson has been asking questions."

Rodney gave a puzzled look

"Why?"

Carson tutted he knew this had to be said soon

"And I thought you were the genius Rodney, he believed I was jealous, work the rest out for yourself and go to sleep, in a real bed! Or I'll call security and sedate you if I have to, understand?

"Yes, yes ok im going"

" Good, one thing , do you know you sleep talk?"

"No, why what was I saying, wasn't bad was it, nothing personal I hope, you know it only happened the once before that briefing I didn't mean to be late but she was there on my bed and …"

"Dr. McKay please stop that before you tell me something im going to regret or be disturbed by, it was of a personal nature, it was about myself"

McKay's body stiffened and he turned himself on the chair to face the doctor

"And what did I say?"

" Something about leave him alone, he doesn't know, take me instead, don't hurt him anymore, then when I woke you, you called my name"

"Oh yes I remembered the last bit, I umm Carson please don't ask me to tell you not just yet, we well best if I go sleep, thank you."

Carson left Rodney pondering, he shut his computer off for the night and walked back to his room his mind flickered back to the conversation, Carson Beckett was gay and he had dreamt about him and how they were trapped and they were being tortured, and they somehow knew his weakness was Carson and every punch into the doctor's side, made Rodney wince. He reached his room, took out an old t-shirt and replaced his blue scientist shirt took his boots and socks off dropped his trousers and left his boxers on and got into bed. He lay there reliving the conversation and the nightmare, the kiss they shared emerged in his mind and he began to realise he wasn't embarrassed about it the feeling he had of that kiss turned him on, and he was scared of what Carson would do so his safest option was to hide from him. Rodney turned over and his eyes fluttered heavily and slipped into a deep sleep, easily than he had done so for quite some time, his dreams caused a smirk to form.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 **

Radek continued to brief the people sitting at the ellipse shaped table.

"Ze rest can be explained by Dr. McKay."

When Zelenka scanned the room the doctor was not present

"Uhhh I iz sorry but am unsure where ze is."

"Dr. Weir, I believed it was best to allow Dr. McKay sleep, he has been running on caffeine and sleep deprivation for too long, I'm sorry I didn't speak with you sooner on this matter."

"Yes so you should but as chief medical officer we value your opinion on any member of staff. I have taken note that Rodney has been pushing himself to the brink of exhaustion and beyond I suggest the base stands down for 48hours."

Everyone at the table smiled and dispersed to pass the message onto their respective teams.

"Dr. Beckett if you have a moment."

Weir called. Carson hung back and walked to Elizabeth's office.

"Please have a seat. I need your honest opinion does there need to be further action taken against Dr. McKay?"

Carson pondered for a moment scanning his memory of his medical report for Rodney deciding if there was

"I don't think much else can be done for the lad, I managed to get him to go sleep by threaten' sedation and a short stay in the infirmary. As long as he eats and has plenty of fluids possibly a little less caffeine he should be fine in the next couple of days but as you know Rodney functioning without caffeine is a mission in itself"

Elizabeth smiled

"Yes I'm glad, I know McKay can be" she hesitated

"Difficult, even on his good days but I was getting reports about his lack of judgement causing more problems than solutions."

Carson sighed

"That would be because of the sleep deprivation and the intake of caffeine would cause this problem to intensify all we can do is wait and rest and relax ourselves."

"Thank you Carson."

"My pleasure."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

John Sheppard hadn't really spoken to McKay much since his body was occupied by Laura Cadman, Sheppard respected McKay's own time but seeing as he was on his team he made more of an effort to get to know him from the beginning. John had an innate way of talking to Rodney about any concerns he had without making the scientist feel like he was being analysed like Heightmeyer would.

John continued down the corridor to McKay's room and knocked; when he got no response he swiped his hand against the door and opened it, he loved the perks of having the ancient gene to make little gadgets light up and open much to the annoyance of McKay who didn't have the natural gene. McKay had curled himself into a tight ball, cocooning himself in the sheets, John sat on the sofa and waited, 15 minutes later McKay began to stir, a soft coughing came behind him and when he glanced back it was Lt. Colonel Sheppard staring back.

"Oh, I'm sorry you should have prodded me awake."

John smiled

"Was advised to leave you as long as possible…Doctors orders."

McKay sat himself up

"Oh did he. Why aren't you on a mission?"

"Weir has made everyone stand down for 48hours, due to your health she doesn't want anyone else being admitted for exhaustion."

"Oh I see" he looked at his watch "Crap is that the time? I've missed the briefing, oh God Radek bet he is peeved, we had that presentation for Elizabeth."

"McKay! Rodney it's alright, he rambled some Czech but then the thought of 2 days off made him forget what he was peeved for. Carson mentioned about you being sleep deprived and a bit jacked up on caffeine, I know you don't like to and you prefer some pressure sometimes… Why did you push yourself so hard this time? We haven't run into the wraith in a while, the Genii were well just idiots but nothing we can't take in our strides. Your trying to show off aren't you? Winning the heart of a blonde scientist that came for a visit?"

Rodney scoffed at the idea

"I beg your pardon John, show off? Me? I don't need to prove I'm the genius!"

Rodney quietened and there was silence for a bit before Rodney continued

"John if I spoke to you, promise this won't go to anyone, Elizabeth would send me to Heightmeyer, who'd have a field day with me and my bloody life story or worse send me back to Earth and God I'm babbling again, I need to be shot!"

"Whoa steady tiger! Rodney, have a shower get changed and we will have a long chat, we'll go to one of the other balconies no one ever goes to, mate to mate."

Rodney nodded and clambered out of bed, trying to get his one foot loose from the sheets; John rose and sniggered as he left the scientist to it.

Rodney reached the balcony; John was seated watching the slight ripples in the vast ocean roll by

"Hey."

John turned and smiled slightly

"Hey, feel any better?"

"Yeah I suppose, slight grogginess, nothing I can't handle."

"McKay please take it easy I know you try to prove yourself because of a couple of incidences, but you don't."

"Come on John I might as well talk to Heightmeyer if you carry on like that."

Yeah but Heightmeyer doesn't have extra strong coffee, and well Carson will kill me if he knows I'm giving this to you."

"Coffee? Extra strong? Carson killing you? You rebel you!"

John nodded and held up a flask of the substance

"Ok I take it back"

Rodney sat down eagerly and waited like a schoolboy waiting a reward, John sniggered lightly when Rodney's eyes lit and followed the cup wherever John moved it, he finally handed it after he had his fun and Rodney spoke

"I think I need to start at the beginning 3 years ago…"

"Hmm how long is this going to be Rodney?"

"What you think I'm gonna give you a life history, a minute to minute run of my life, God John I know I can be irritable and arrogant, but you really think I could sit and tell you everything like it's nothing important just for your amusement for you to run off and pour it to Teyla… Fine I will just go!"

Rodney rose and started to leave John jumped up and caught Rodney's shoulder

"Hey, come on I didn't mean it like that, I know you like detail, please what happened 3 years ago to make you messed up today… Wrong choice of words but you know what I mean that's got you working yourself to death?"

Rodney and John sat back down and John pulled his jumper on and grabbed his coffee and was ready

"3 years ago, I worked with Samantha Carter for the second time, Anuibus… You read their reports right, you know about the goa'uld?"

John nodded

"Well Anuibus had a device that kept our stargate open and so after being an idiot and tried an EM pulse through it I kind of an electrical surge which electrocuted Samantha"

"Smooth McKay really smooth."

"Well she forgave me and that day she had told me I was annoying but she digged me and so we spent the night together."

John choked slightly on his coffee

"You and Sam, slept together?"

Rodney stared into the coffee and a reinactment of that night played through his mind

"Yeah, Hey! What's that supposed to mean, I got shipped off to Russia and well never really thought of anyone else, until I started to hang out with Davey, a few dates a few kisses, it's a wonder he out up with me all I talked about was Sam, anyhow…"

Rodney had now stood and walked to the balcony

"When I was called Cheyenne Mountain I couldn't believe I was going back, I was going to see Sam again, when I did I was being told about the Antarctica mission and that they thought I was best going as Samantha was engaged to some Pete guy I think she said. Well Sam and I argued and I thought the Antarctica mission would get her off my mind, which did happen except someone else took her place."

John sat there still "So McKay your bisexual?"

Rodney turned to face John and watched John's face, it was expressionless no prejudice, malice, just pure concern

"Yeah, thought I don't have a preference, don't worry John I don't view you in that way."

"Oh Rodney come on, I didn't say that, so who is the person that replaced Sam, no don't tell me, hmmm let's see wouldn't be Radek?"

John stifled a laugh

"Radek! Radek! Oh God John that better have been a joke, the minute I heard his voice, I was intrigued, then his panic in the chair I spoke Russian to him and strangely it calmed him down, then sharing a room with him in Antarctica seeing his semi-naked body… Ummm that info better stay in my head."

Rodney blushed and sat back down on the chair

"It's Carson and then with Cadman making me kiss him, that was a bad first kiss I didn't know if he was interested in guys let alone me, so that's when it began, finding any projects to keep me away, then when Sam arrived, it got worse… John promise this won't go further"

"I promise Rodney honestly."

"Sam and I nearly… well…slept… you know, I told her it was unwise and it shouldn't happen, she split with that guy and well I didn't think not until I was called to a briefing that day, I don't know what to do."

"Well all I can say is you don't do things the simple way do you?"

Rodney smiled

"I know I do know that Carson is gay, please keep that to yourself, he'd kill me if he found out I told you."

"No, I won't, I had a feeling but nothing concrete, and do you want to be with Carson or Sam? Have you spoke to either of them and I promise you there are more people who prefer both sexes, Rodney don't make yourself ill over this because that won't help, will it?"

Rodney sat silent again and breathed in deeply and let it all out

"Thanks, I now you mean well and I, not gonna run some simulations or anything or pick lightly, this could mean the chance for happiness or the chance to ruin friendships completely, Sam and I lost our time and place for a relationship and well, the rest is staying firmly in my head"

John smiled and nodded as Rodney felt relieved to have unloaded all this confusion and pain off to someone else, he knew he would have another good nights sleep now.

Over back in the populated side of Atlantis Daniel was talking to Sam

"Ya know Sam, you coming here may have not been one of your bestest ideas"

"Thanks Daniel, Ya know all the perfect things to say to a woman"

"Sam come on, you guys slept together once, then you were engaged he said he didn't want to see you again and yet you push yourself more than ever to crush that promise and try and sleep with him again! You 'ave serious issues don't ya you chose to end it with Peter remember, so why Rodney?"

"I don't know, when I was around him even though we were bickering there was something there and I just thought we could have that again"

"Sam you're a smart woman, didn't you ever think he might change, find someone new?"

"Someone new? Who could he like here, all the scientists barely get along with him and I heard he can' talk to one female scientist because of the whole _'woman controlled my body'_ experience, who else would there be?"

Daniel smiled "Maybe a doctor?"

"Daniel I told you the scien... ooo medical doctor, but he, he can't be he's so… No!"

Daniel sniggered "he doesn't announce it to everyone, but I have an incline he might be or he really likes my butt!"

"Ha-ha" Sam laughed "Ok, so him staring at your butt makes him gay?"

"Or bisexual?"

Sam nodded "Either way I don't think Rodney would make a move he's too shy and scared he'd cock it all up. But I'm still going to head back to the SGC when we can dial it up, if not it's a two week trip on the daedulus"

"Sam I only need another week or so before I have all the writings and translations to take back with me, wait till then you may have sorted things out with Dr McKay and part on better terms, sound good?"

"You're always the diplomat aren't you?"

"Occupational hazard" Daniel chuckled.

Sam rose from the desk and left Daniel who she could still faintly hear chuckling to himself.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 **

A few days had passed and nothing had been said but Rodney was finally cleared fit for duty by Carson and his first mission was a routine visit scan the planet search for anything interesting and come back to report, however that wasn't the final outcome as Aidan Ford and his so called followers ambushed the team and slipped the a nice little drug... Wraith enzyme. They sat around the oblong table

"Ford you put wraith enzyme into my food, excuse me my brain is fragile and a small microlitre of anything will lose me vital brain cells and information!"

"Hey Hey McKay calm down, wraith enzyme will increase your brain power, you may be a genius but with this you'd be on the list for the, how'd you put it _'Nobel peace prize'_ months or weeks after taking it."

Rodney just stared "Ford don't kiss my butt, it don't suit you! Sheppard what do you have to say about this?"

"Oh he isn't drugged" Ford added

Rodney's head shot up

"Why? Were we all but him drugged?"

"McKay I'd thought you'd be happy to have it, but the reason I got all you here is well, we have acquired ourselves a wraith dart and we wanna use it to take it to a hive ship and destroy from the inside and I knew the only one to rig it was you McKay and the best pilot I knew was well you guessed Sheppard."

"And may I ask what Ronon and I are for?"

Teyla politely asked, Teyla and Ronon both off worlders were fitting into Atlantis quite well and seem to fade into the background

"I'm sorry Teyla, Ronon I guess you guys are quite the warriors with the enzyme you both would be better, maybe you could teach the guys some of your moves"

Teyla looked over to Sheppard

"This is a possibility; another hive ship destroyed is in everyone's interest."

And so they thought their plans were going well until Aidan changed his mind at the last minute and forced McKay to stay behind as a cost if anything went wrong, as the drug wore off Rodney began to become paranoid

"Guys, it's been 2 hours and they aren't back, all they had to do was blow it up how hard could that be?"

The two guys just looked and laughed,

"Shut up and go sit and play with some formulas!"

in fact Rodney was right, there was a slight technical hitch and the wraith dart had caused an alarm to signal and when Sheppard dropped the guys off inside using the dart, they lost a few people falling off the platform, but were now separated into two different cells and their enzyme was also wearing off.

Rodney pouted and did as he was told, his mind wandered to what Carson would be doing bacon on Atlantis, most likely reading an old journal of his or trying to look further into his retrovirus, he made a mental note to ask Carson how tings were progressing with that as he hadn't listened to his presentation of it, an idea hit him, he strolled to the lab area, his reflection shimmered in the cabinets glass door. The vials of wraith enzyme crimson coloured unnerved him

"I have to, no other choice"

He reached inside and grabbed two vials and drew the liquid into the syringe

"Just think of Carson, he'd understand he really will"

Rodney again whispered to himself for reassurance, the nib of the syringe began to bore further into his skin and pierce into his vein, Rodney froze for a moment as he drew the syringe back forcing a droplet of blood to mix with the enzyme to then gradually push the liquid into his vein and be pumped around his body in a matter of seconds.

"Incredible hulk eat your heart out!"

Rodney threw the syringe down and with each second he became more confident and the enzyme was taking effect

"Let's teach these guys a lesson"

"Rodney stormed to them and began his rant while hurling one of them which landed on a box

"When I say there is a problem, I mean there's a bloody problem!"

He swung and his knuckles made contact with the other mans cheek, he grabbed an empty beer bottle and smashed it against the mans head, the final straw was his power kick

"That's what you get when you mess with a genius!"

Rodney stopped for a moment

"Uhhh what next, what next, errr, oh crystals, yes lovely lovely crystals, make the DHD work, tell Weir, must tell her."

He grabbed the crystals and jogged to the gate, he noticed even though he felt fine the perspiration stained his t-shirt but he had over the years toned up while on Atlantis. His biceps bulged slightly out from his t-shirt

"Man I look good and a brain to match"

The wraith enzyme continued to flow through his veins and caused slight hysteria eventually Rodney got the DHD working.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back on Atlantis Carson paced Weirs office

"Elizabeth they've been away for days, can't we send a search party or do something."

"Carson I know, but I can't allow another team through as me may lose them as well"

"But Teyla, Ronon, John even Rodney are valued people are they not, how can you accept the possibility of losing them so flippantly?"

Weirs face became stern "Carson! I know you are worried and so am I, don't think for one minute I like losing valued occupants and friends of Atlantis!"

Carson's face flustered "'Lizabeth I'm terribly so'ry I didn'a mean anything I jus' wish they would come home."

The alarm began to echo through Atlantis

"Unauthorised gate activation!"

"Bates do we have an IDC?"

"Negative Dr. Weir, what shall I do?"

Elizabeth stood there, her breathing intensified scared this could be a trap or in fact her team

"Och they coulda lost the bloody thing, canna ya put guards and pray it's them?"

[Note to Jackie – I highlighted some of the words I know you will say are spelt wrong but due to Carson's accent I wanted to change them]

Elizabeth agreed "Put guards on standby in the gate room, drop the shields"

A couple of minutes went by, and then a lone figure appeared in mid-sentence

"Yes yes I knew it; I'm a genius I fixed it I fixed it!"

Rodney had started to circle Weir

"Others, ship, enzyme, Ford, merry men, wraith, oh I'm a genius, yup yup."

Weir grew concerned "Rodney calm down, take it easy what's happened?"

Rodney points to his arm

"Enzyme, drug, fight, Ford, Merry men, wraith dart, ooo I'm too good"

Rodney halted and fell unconscious

"Carson med kit now!"

Carson was already running half flying down the steps of the gate room he had watched from the balcony waiting for his knees to regain strength

"Rodne' Rodney my god what 'ave you done lad?"

Elizabeth managed to quickly remark while they lifted Rodney onto a gurney

"He said something about wrath enzyme"

"Aye, I think he may have taken a large dose of wraith enzyme, I'll let you know."

Samantha and Daniel rushed into the gate room as Rodney was wheeled out, Sam's face grew pale

"My God, Dr. Weir what happened will he be alright?"

"Why don't you both come to my office."

The three slowly walked up the steps to Weirs office

"Please take a seat, all I could get off Dr. McKay was incoherent words, but what we do know is that he took a large dose of wraith enzyme…"

Daniel questioned "Dr. Weir, exactly what is wraith enzyme? I know the wraith are the goa'uld of these parts but enzyme? Do you mean the retrovirus Dr. Beckett is working on?"

Weir smiled "Oh, I'm sorry I thought this would have been explained to you, when the wraith feed they inject an enzyme into the victim, which increases they strength slightly to make the victim last longer and they take as much of the nutrients as possible. During the attack a wraith was present on Atlantis and Lt. Ford was attacked by a wraith but during the _'feed'_ the area they were was hit and they fell into the sea, once retrieved it was clear they were still attached and Aidan Ford became addicted to the drug and we believe he was on the planet that Dr. McKay and the team were on. Dr McKay collapsed in the gate room and so we will know more when he has recovered."

"Thank you for the explanation, I take it we can only sit and wait for this to pass."

Weir nodded

"When can I see him?"

Samantha blurted out; she had been silent while numbness spread her body.

"I believe that would be up to Dr. Beckett, I will ask him to call you when you can, in the meantime go rest and pray."

"Thank you."

They all rose and Elizabeth left for the infirmary, Daniel and Sam went to their temporary accommodation, she curled herself on the bed and Daniel sat on the sofa

"You ok?"

"Daniel do you think this could be a sign of some kind?"

"What kind of sign?"

"A sign of how much pain I've caused and so their punishing me, my penance?"

Sam brought her knees up and held her head in them, a soft whimpering came from her, and Daniel kicked his boots off and clambered next to her

"Sam this isn't your fault, you weren't there, if you weren't here you wouldn't have known and you don't know the situation. Rodney chose to inject himself with the enzyme; you didn't push it into him did you?"

"N…No" she whispered

"Exactly come on Sam don't do this to yourself, Rodney wouldn't want you to do this to yourself."

Daniel hugged her and her arms wrapped around his chest and she leaned into him further

"Thank you."

"Ah come on I didn't do anything, let's snuggle down a bit and have a nap, then check on Rodney"

Daniel slipped down on his back, Sam lay half on him half on the bed, she kissed his forehead

"Night."

Over in the infirmary it was a different matter

"I need a little more, their in a ship, yup yup a ship, Ford and his merry men, I'm a genius and the enzyme flowing, flowing through my veins."

Weir looked over Rodney as the sedative took effect

"Dr. Beckett what's happening?"

"Rodney is going through withdrawal symptoms of the wraith enzyme, all I could get is that Ford has gathered a group of some sorts and they had a plan, which isn't clear, however he needed the team for it and then the sedative took effect."

"Not much to go on."

"Aye, I'm sorry but his health is my main concern, he is basically having to do this cold turkey, we 'ave no enzyme here since Lt. Ford took it the last time."

"You need your rest doctor."

"Aye I know, I'll jus' keep an eye on him."

Elizabeth nodded and left, Carson ushered the nurses away from Rodney's bed, he pulled a curtain around, and he sat by the side of the bed holding Rodney's hand

"God Rodney what have you done, you need to get over this, don't you dare let this take you, I will murder you, if you let this take ya, ya hear me I need you and I shoulda told you sooner, you stubborn fool."

"MMM… Beckett that you?"

"Aye Rodney it's me, how you doing?"

"Yeah, just need some more; I'll be fine, just a bit to take the edge off this."

"Awww Rodney, lad I don't have any I canna give you anything, I can give something for the nausea, and you need to get over this, Rodney what happened?"

Rodney began to plead.

"Carson please, just a little, err Ford and his followers needed us to try and blow up a hive ship and get more wraith enzyme but but it took to long and I was getting worried they didn't listen to me so I had to show them!"

"So you injected yaself with enzyme"

"Yeah there isn't anything we can do but wait, Carson can I have that drug I feel sick."

"Aye lad."

After injecting it into the I.V bag that was connected to the drip in Rodney's hand, the sweat continued to pour down his face, Carson used a cold compress to soothe his neck and face, Rodney soothed with every touch of Carson's hand and of the coolness of the compress. Carson sat there and watched over Rodney

"I liked it when you held my hand" Rodney mumbled

Carson smiled "You big softy"

Rodney smiled slightly and Carson held his hand in his and rubbed his thumb over the clammy skin

"Not long, your doing well Rodney keep it up"

Carson's other hand brushed Rodney's cheek and a soft hum expelled from Rodney's lips.

In the end, the team managed to come back alive and their first question was had Rodney made it out as he was missing when they got back to the cave, the situation had been explained and Rodney had managed to overcome the enzyme unlike some of Ford's followers who had died from the experience. As he sat in bed, Samantha came and visited

"Hey."

"Hi"

"How you feeling?"

"Oh you know, near my usual self, I don't want to know the amount of brain cells I killed during that escapade."

Sam smiled "Well you sound like Rodney, Daniel and I are heading back to Earth on the Daedulus tomorrow, just thought I'd stop by and say my goodbyes and to apologise for all the pain I caused you, I never meant to hurt you and I hope you'll be happy."

"Sam, it wasn't just you, I brought some of it on myself and people change we all have and thank you, but please don't tell anyone I'd like to keep my grumpy persona a bit longer."

"What that you do have a sensitive, caring side, I'm sure your secret will come out sooner or later, but it won't come from me."

Rodney smiled and watched Sam leave, Carson Beckett sat in his office smiling happily to himself, Rodney had overcome the enzyme and Sam was leaving he couldn't help but overhear their conversation. He waited a minute or so then walked in

"Time for your stats to be checked, you may even get released today."

"What my own medicated mattress, that sounds good"

Carson smiled and continued with the tests

"One last thing before I can release you…"

"Yes?"

"Would you, errr like to go to dinner with me tonight?"

"As in date, kind of dinner?"

"No, of course not, as a doctor and his patient. Of course as a date I think you have killed one too many brain cells Rodney."

"Ha-ha" Rodney sarcastically quipped

"Yes I would love to go to dinner with you Carson."

Carson smiled and his hand brushed Rodney's which lay to his side as he sat on the bed, his grin became wider as he lifted his hand and entwined his fingers with Carson's

"I can't wait."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 **

Rodney paced his room staring at three t-shirts that lay limply on his unmade bed. He stepped closer to a khaki one, which had an arrow pointing upwards and said 'I'm with genius.'

Although this was his favourite "Maybe that's too cocky for our first date."

He flung that back to the open drawers, which landed half in and half out. The last two were definite favourites that were a tough decision from a light blue t-shirt that read 'Mr. Fantastic.' And the last was a black t-shirt with a red dalek, how could he not pick the red dalek?

"McKay to Sheppard."

"Sheppard here."

"Sheppard…John I need your help, may you come to my quarters please?"

"Sure be there in a sec."

Sheppard put his book down in the two years of being there he had managed 34 pages, something always came up when he was reading it. John's quarters weren't far away from McKay's; as Sheppard leisurely let himself into McKay's room he caught a sight of a semi-naked McKay.

"McKay put a shirt on…please."

"That's my problem, I have a… date."

"A date?"

"Yeah a date and I can't decide which of these two to pick."

John studied the shirts.

"What is that?" pointing to the dalek.

"Oh it's a dalek, a machine that was on Dr. Who a sci-fi show that they used to show episodes in Canada and it was just, well look at them aren't they cool?"

John arched an eyebrow "If you say so, are you wearing a shirt with them? I would say the thing, the dalek that was what it was called right?"

Rodney nodded and grabbed the t-shirt and slipped it over his head and stood in front of John waiting for an answer.

"Well? Is it all right, do the trousers go? Oh god they don't do they, I can't wear one of my military tops their all used or well one shows my…nipples through!"

John snickered then with a straightened face "Rodney you look fine, go have your date, hope it goes well with you and Carson."

Rodney's head glanced up "I didn't say it was with Cars… Dr Beckett."

"Rodney please 'course it's with Dr. Beckett who else would have you?"

Rodney raised a hand but didn't repeat what was in his head. "Thank-you John."

John left and Rodney went in the opposite direction to Carson's quarters, he politely knocked.

"Let ya'self in." Came a nervy Scottish accent.

Rodney stepped in cautiously "Dr Beckett."

"Please enough of the formalities its Carr-sun."

"Sorry Carson, I…I…haven't done this for a ahhh…a while."

"Aye same 'ere, please take a seat."

Rodney noted how Carson had pulled his desk out and it was laid neatly all it missed was candles but Rodney noted Carson wasn't that camp.

"So'ry 'bout the food, it's from the mess I don't think they would 'ave taken to kindly to me making food in their kitchen."

"That's okay I quite like the rations, actually I like hospital food as well, although I don't like aeroplane food, can's get seconds."

"Aye, well you won't need seconds when you see what's for desserts!"

Rodney's heart skipped a beat and his mouth went dried up at the double entente that Carson implied, Rodney managed a nod and they began to eat.

At first they ate silently with occasional question of the others health, which seemed quite false due to Carson being their doctor. The night became easier and they chatted about some plans they both had for research, Rodney finally asked more on the retrovirus somehow they managed to hit some subjects for both of them that were sensitive.

"Rodney can I ask, there was a rumour that you built an A bomb for a science fair or something and were detained by the CIA?"

Rodney smiled "Yeah that's true, I was in sixth grade wasn't fully functional or anything, but the CIA believed someone else helped make it. Anyway how'd you find out?"

"Sixth grade?"

"Yes, err that would be equivalent to…I was 8 or 9 at the time."

"Bloody hell 8 or 9 and ya built a bomb, my god you are a genius!"

Rodney wasn't sure if it was sarcasm or actual dumbfounded ness that he Rodney McKay could build something so cool, and so young. Rodney smiled and he hesitantly asked, "Carson, I hope you don't mind be asking but what happened with you and Perna?"

Carson hadn't heard that name for so long yet the events still played in his mind from time to time. "Perna was such a sweet lass, Aye she had a beautiful intelligence about herself, something I admired. May I ask one more question, why do you push ya'self to prove that you are capable of better things? And Och that didna come out right." Carson took a slow deep breath "Ever since Doranda, I've seen ya continually push yourself to the brink of illness and yet you still think you have to prove ya'self to us…to me."

Rodney's face had paled slightly the last person he talked about Doranda got himself into an argument with Samantha Carter. Rodney stood, this startled Carson he thought his question had offended the scientist; instead Rodney carried his chair around so he was next to his date and sat down. Rodney breathed a few times then began.

"That machine would have been the greatest weapon we could of ever had, the day I watched the door open and see a crisp body that was once a scientist, I couldn't help but believe it was my fault, I begged Elizabeth to let us go down there again, and well looked what happened…" he paused for a moment trying to force the image of the dead body away that lingered in his mind. Carson noted the pained look on his face and placed a hand on his knee and quietly spoke

"Ya don't have to talk about it."

"No, no I'm fine. To realise the Ancients couldn't control the device, I know I may spout off about how great I am but this was bigger than me and really I should haven that I couldn't control it, but yet my own arrogance drove me on, destroying 1/3 of the solar system in the process. I regret it deeply, but yet I feel that everything comes back to that moment. That scientist would still be alive and 1/3 of a solar system would still be in tact."

"Aye, it's too late to change all that, but the way ya going it's like your finding every reason to kill yourself."

"I don't mean to honestly I had to take the enzyme it was the only way I'd get back, except I wasn't sure how much I needed, and so the incoherency of myself when I was back here made me annoyed that I had let everyone down again."

Carson's hand tightened slightly on Rodney's knee, and dragged his chair closer to McKay so he was between Rodney's knees both hands ran circles around his thighs, the sensation caused Rodney to flinch and his temperature began to rise and blood rushed down to his lower extremity. Rodney couldn't really concentrate.

Carson continued "You need to stop thinking that you are gonna fail, you're a brilliant scientist, you've said it yourself but your low self-esteem is something that we need to work on. Your beautiful in so many ways."

"Guh." Was the best Rodney could answer Carson spoke again.

"I didna know if ya understood that night when I mentioned Daniel sayin' I was jealous. He meant it about Dr Carter, he noticed me on the balcony when she arrived and seeing that photo you kept of her, I found it unwise to try or say anything, well ya weren't exactly speaking to me because of Cadmans actions."

Carson had blushed at bringing the subject up and pulled his hands away, Rodney missed the contact and blushed as well somehow this wasn't what he planned for a first date. Carson retracted back, and moved to the bed with a glass of juice.

"Rodne' I know we both have baggage that will be always painful to each of us, but ya need to know I want to be the one to help soothe your pain."

Rodney's glare continued to search the floor for answers…for words

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Rodney continued to lie there hitting the bed with his clenched fist, the night before hadn't gone to plan and now he had felt he had lost any form of hope to be close to the one man he desired the most. He turned to the side and sighed heavily and just watched the rain pound against his balcony. After forcing himself up, he made hast to the gate room for today's mission.

Rodney stood and watched the plume deploy from the stargate and his fellow teammates walk through however he seemed to be stationary. Weir looked on from her office he was still standing there for so long that she had walked to the gate controls and over the tannoy asked "Rodney, are you going?"

He glanced up and stuttered "Y…yes sorry." And walked forth through the gate.

The planet they arrived on was in mortal danger, only this time the wraith was not the reason, a volcano that was situated on the planet had been dormant until the people used geothermal energy to power their shields, which Norina a scientist of that world, a blonde scientist Rodney noted to himself and continued to listen to her explanation.

"You've kept your shields on at full capacity?"

"That is correct Dr McKay."

"Oh please call me Rodney, the power as thermal energy has caused the volcano to become active and the energy is building up and so the volcano will erupt."

A tremor had caused the complex to shudder and a scientist had cut his head on the control panel, the tremor ceased and Sheppard spoke, "I suggest we get Beckett down here, help some of the wounded."

Rodney flinched at the name; "Yes well I'll send a message to Elizabeth."

Carson arrived shortly after and was placing a small plaster on the guy's head and turned to the team to see Norina chatting to Rodney

"Perhaps one day, I could study under you?"

McKay half stuttered half flirting and realising Carson was only feet away

"Yes well I look forward to that, but first we need to get off… we need to get off this planet and then you can be under me and …"

Again another seismic tremor shuddered through. Sheppard rushed to Norina's side while Rodney took refuge under a console. When he saw John Sheppard he rolled his eyes and continued to correlate data and other scientific research, as Carson looked on with saddened eyes.

Time was much of the essence especially as the stargate was just enveloped in thick molten lava and so no possible way to get home. The discovery of a ship was helpful; Carson stayed in there and helped the locals that couldn't be taken by the Daedulus, he was silent the whole time, not even glancing at Rodney, while he worked on getting the ship to fly.

Sheppard clicked his radio piece and used his dirtiest trick ever "Rodney?"

"Yes?"

"How's it coming?"

"Not too well."

"Guess then we are all gonna die."

"You're doing that on purpose!"

"What?"

"Creating an impossible task that my ego will force me to overcome." He spat.

"Oh yes, yes that's exactly what I'm doing. It has nothing to do with saving the lives of these people, it's all about you." He breathed deeply "Get your ass back to work and fix those damn engines!" he clicked off his earpiece

"He'll fix them, trust me."

And much to his word Rodney had a genius plan and it was a great possibility it would fail miserably but Rodney didn't voice his concern.

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They relocated the whole population and Norina kissed Rodney's cheek feverishly

"Thank-you Dr McKay."

"Your welcome, please it's Rodney."

Sheppard who stood in the background stepped forward "Goodbye Norina, keep in touch."

She smiled and stepped through the gate, Sheppard hit the back of Rodney's head. "You're a dumbass McKay, a serious dumbass!" He walked off to the hanger bay Rodney quickly followed "What do you mean by that?"

John stopped and glared and began to vent. "You blatantly flirted with her in front of Carson. I knew you had issues, but to rub it in his face is out of order even in your standards!"

McKay glanced around and there was noone but himself and John "I never remember having to go through you to what I can and can't do. If I want to flirt with someone, god damn I'll flirt I'm not with Carson and free to do what I like."

John stepped back out of puddle jumper 2 with a bag "I know the date didn't go too well by the sounds, but to do it so soon."

What the two men hadn't realised was Carson Beckett had hidden himself away from the others by cloaked one of the other jumpers and sat there glumly, he heard all of their conversation and his body shaked trying to restrain himself from leaving the jumper, which was hard but he staid a little longer.

"The date is something I don't want to talk about again. It was wrong and I knew I shouldn't have thought any different but anyway John this is my life and I live it my way!"

Carson then uncloaked the puddle jumper to the surprise of both men and slowly walked out, his faced was reddened from tears that he had already shed; he looked at John and then to Rodney. Rodney's knees felt weak and a sickness grew from his stomach forcing it's way up to his throat but nothing appeared.

"I see, it was that bad?"

Rodney tried to stammer an apology but a few gargled words was all he could muster.

"I'm so'ry I didna live up to your expectations, good day John, Rodne'"

Carson left and John stared at the floor, glancing at Rodney in time to catch him as his body slumped against the floor and swore to himself. A tear trickled down Rodney's rough exterior.


End file.
